A cog in the machine/that is all I seem to be/a cog in a machine that is seen but unseen/by all that is me/a cog in the machine.
That is how I have been feeling lately but I have glimpsed where all has potentially gone wrong; what machine I have ended up in and I am attempting to change. Been working on downsizing all of my possessions in hope that I can one day soon downsize my home. I do not need 2100 square feet worth of house for myself and my three fur kids. Cannot fathom why I ever thought I needed so much space or stuff. This space over the past 5 years has lead more to horrid distraction and destruction of creativity rather than to a cozy inspiring home I desire.
Decluttering and downsizing take time because things need to decided upon and sorted out. It is a very overwhelming and exhausting process which often leads to startling realizations. I have come to realize that I have zero attachment to at least 75% of my home’s content. So why do I have such things then? No idea. I suppose at one time I felt that the items filled some purpose or some need. Now they are just a testament to me being a cog in the machine of mass consumption of consumer goods. A testament that I needed to change.
Some days, I wish I could just box up what does matter to me and make the rest disappear into a dumpster. Hesitant to do that though. A lot of money went toward that stuff and I would probably regret not donating most of it and/or selling what I could. The funds of selling would go to a smaller place or it be used to indulge this really odd life-oriented dream I’ve been having.
To understand why this dream is odd, you need to know some important things about me. I am a homebody and I do not liking driving long distances and by long distances, I mean something further than an hour or so away. So the dream is this: I want to get a decent sized RV, load up my fur kids and my prized possessions, make it home, and travel to places seeking peace and creativity. I think it would be wonderful to be like a bird – traveling south for fall and winter, traveling north for spring and summer. How wonderful being free to write and edit with only minimal distractions.
What is important to me? My fur kids, my writings, my 1500+ books, my computers, my music, most of the movies, my new mattress, my sewing machine, a few gift items and the scrolls given to me, and some of the fabric and/or garb I own. Everything else is just space filler and it is filling a ton of space.
This filler is why I rarely blog anymore and devote 1 day a week to nothing but writing my books. Everything else is consumed by sorting through this black hole of where things went very wrong. I hate having to acknowledge what has gone askew but a person gets to a point in life where they are forced to re-evaluate their priorities, their mission, their bliss, and their hopes.