Falling Asleep
Falling asleep while my mind
Wanders into the night sky
Lit by bright stars burning
Through the shadows lurking
Deeper inside than anticipated
Losing count of the memories
I wish to replace, rid myself of
I tried so hard to run away
Run away into the night sky
Only to be denied by my own
Hubris, shortcomings I never
Saw stalking me in the ends
Ribbons weaving together to
Tie me a noose for my mind
As I fall asleep once more
Wandering into the night sky
Oh how I wish things wouldn’t fall through the cracks but they do. This poor blog (and social media) are hiding in the dark crevasses of my mind and my to-do list each day. I don’t mean for it to be this way and yet…
I get so busy and/or distracted that I forget all of this is here for awhile. I frequently tell myself and this blog that I will be better about posting. It remains true for a few weeks then back into darkness with the occasional glimmer of hopeful light.
NaNoWriMo this year is WEIRD for me. While I make word count each day, I feel as if I have written nothing of any kind of substance for my poetry books. It is disappointing but I forge ahead. Putting words, any words, to paper just to say I did while maintaining the faintest wish for something useful.
Things with Patchwork Chicken Studio are going well even though I’ve ended up making more drawstring bags/backpacks after I promised myself I wouldn’t after August where I made 37 bags in less than a month. Glutton for punishment I guess but it was out of need for some additional variety after sales at a few shows. I also have a small pile of fabric waiting for the post-show season to become bags too but shhhhh, not suppose to know about that.
Word count for today is done. Would kinda like to curl up for a nap now but alas, no. There are time-critical things demanding my time and attention today. I had to force writing time into my schedule by going to the local coffee shop so I would not get distracted by all the other things waiting for me at home.
This week was the release of Written & Whim. I am very excited and grateful to have it done and out there. Still trying to wrap my brain around the fact I have published 23 full-length poetry books since September 13, 2011 aka the day The Heart of Autumn was published.
There are only 8 more books until I complete the A to Z theme. That is a bit baffling too. When I started on the A to Z journey in 2011, I thought it would be crazy to write 2600 poems over 26 books. I have less than 750 poems left to write now. Overall, I have written 2615 poems since 1994-ish. The bulk of which were written since I started publishing my work. Publishing my work has been a powerful motivator to write more which is fantastic.
No rest of the artistic. Already a quarter of the way through on writing the next book, Doll & Discarnate. At the beginning of 2019, I had this grand plan to write and publish 4 books during the year. I didn’t count on, foolishly, life things and other creative pursuits slowing that progress. Despite the error in judgement, I forge ahead with the words.
For several years now, I’ve been work on and toward a more simplistic life so I can spend more time with my passions and joys aka creative pursuits. I neglected my passions and joys quite a bit for many years prior which brought much sorrow into my life so simplicity is very appealing. Never want to feel that destructive, bone-deep sorrow again.
I keep coming to points where it seems I have finally reached a nice level of simplicity to only see it falter later. No. In fact, I have more to work to do. The chaos that ensues has been getting less and less chaotic over time. Yay for progress! But the fact that chaos creeps up and in so quickly tells me I have more work to do.
I’ve been neglecting such work this year. I think this has been to the detriment of my creative process and myself. Have to take time in the coming weeks to really clear out things weighing down my environment and triggering chaos. Cleaning up my apartment on a weekly basis, even though it is a deep clean, just isn’t enough to stop the creeping.
A few months ago, I sat down and wrote down everything that brings me joy no matter how small. The list surprised me. Poetry, painting, and creative things made the list of course. (Simplicity and no clutter also made the list which was surprising yet not surprising.) Some of my joys are not things I can do every day as they are seasonal activities. However, a lot of my joys were little things – like having my fingernails painted black, and the scent of sandalwood – that I could incorporate into my day every day but I wasn’t for some reason. As if I didn’t realize the joy they bring, as if I hadn’t forgotten what joy could be within the little things. Since I’ve done this list and started incorporating the little joys more and more into my daily life, I find myself much calmer and happier. As someone who has suffered from severe depression and wild mood swings for YEARS, it is kind of weird to be calmer and happier but it is growing on me.
I typed up all my joys into a word file on my computer. I go back and look at it to remind myself from time to time, especially if I am feeling sad or lonely or upset, then go and do one of things on the list.
So I leave you with this…
What are your joys? Do you involve as many as you can into your day?
And another NaPoWriMo is done. This was my sixth NaPoWriMo. This year wasn’t as successful as other years but it certainly was not the worst. I ended up with 45 new poems across 4 different poetry books. I had intended to write more for Written & Whim so it would be done and ready for publishing soon.
However, life had other plans. An emergency tooth extraction on April 11th made the rest of the month kind of odd as things aren’t healing, recovering as quickly as I would like. Prior to the extraction, I had been more tired than what is typical. I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so for me to notice this, the exhaustion was WAY intense. I suspect, now, it was due to my body fighting the infection that led to the tooth extraction. Worse than usual exhaustion remains – though not as badly – through recovery. I only have so much energy to give things, anything, in a given day. The infection, the extraction, and the recovery have been consuming most of it.
I had hoped to go to a concert during the month but fatigue vetoed that. I wasn’t a total recluse during the month though. I managed to go to the coffee shop a few times to write even if I didn’t really want to. The days I want to spend the entire day in bed, I force myself to get out even if it is for an hour at the coffee shop and I make myself write. I may go back to bed when I get home but, at least, I did something productive with my day.
I spent Easter with my niece and nephew. On April 6th, I worked a craft & art show. Sadly, the crowd was minimal at best. I sold nothing. My friend sold 2 items. It was very disappointing yet we forge ahead with getting our art out to the people.
I did quite a bit of sewing prior to the show as I constructed more drawstring backpacks out of my fabric stash as well as create an Easter-themed mixed media piece and an Easter-themed mosaic.
I started figuring out how to make things from polymer clay which was prompted by an idea for a mixed media art project but being unable to find the components in order to make it a reality. I need to finish constructing the clay components this coming week so I can start on the project. I also have several mosaics in various states of creation. Working hard to motivate myself to finish them. A few have been languishing, unfinished, for a while.
My hopes for May are:
– Complete most, if not all, of my mixed media art project
– Finish off at least 3 of the 6 mosaics I have in progress
– Finish the sewing project I have sitting on my cutting table
– Finish the clay pot art project I have sitting on my work table
– Finish Written & Whim while making more progress on Doll & Discarnate, Letters & Locks, and Tincture & Thorn
– Finish the healing process of the tooth extraction site
– Have a very successful craft show on May 11th
Voodoo Doll
Light the candles
Spread the herbs
Herald the night
No spell can change
What lurks beneath
Buttons over eyes
Strange devices
Holding in emotive poisons
So many ways tried
To squash back emotions
But they own anyways
Their voodoo doll
No matter how it is tried
Try to break away apart
Incantations going nowhere
Beyond breathy thought
Light the candles
Spread the herbs
Herald the night
No spell can change
What lurks beneath
Pins and needles going in
Strange devices
Holding in emotive poisons
Succumb
Have we succumb
Madness on wrong sides
Of a shotgun promise
Redemption never to come
Only licks of insanity
Deserters choosing bullets
Choosing sides that have not
A name to claim
While we succumb
Madness on wrong sides
Of a shotgun lurking
Creation
Breathe life into this creation
Gasp on sea water losing
Control while adrift
Clean and pure in clarity
Of the seven seas leading
It on in Death’s demons
Opening up the sores
Seeking a new cure to
Breathe life into this creation
Gasp on salted blood losing
Control while adrift
Victim and saint in clarity
Of the seven seas leading
It on in Death’s behest
Opening up the agonies
Seeking a new result to
Breathe life into this creation
