2020

A new year and, typically, resolutions to be made….then discarded in a fiery blaze a short time later.

2019 was an unusual year but I learned a lot during it.

I, finally, learned that I am too ambitious with my plans. The plans only work when there is a regimented schedule and calm all the time. My life is never like that no matter how hard I try to be scheduled and “productive”. My life type versus the plans ends with me feeling guilty and disillusioned because I cannot fulfill the plans as I desired. Eventually, I become apathetic about the things I want to accomplish – even when time allows for the things to be done – and they don’t get done.

Some of the physical results of my over-ambition were scaled back/down during 2019. This scaling back/down brought about good things into my life for which I am grateful. These good things are what helped me realize my error in planning.

I also learned that talking about certain goals, resolutions, desires, and tasks are a great way NOT to get them to come into being. Talking about them are actually a fantastic way to get them ripped to shreds by others that do not have the best of intentions even when they claim they want nothing but the best for someone. No one wants or needs that kind of toxicity in their lives.

Both these lessons, in a way, sort of sabotaged my blog & social media presence later on in 2019, along with just being busy, as I struggled to find balance with the lessons within what means to be outwardly productive.

Always learning, always growing. 2020 will be no different in that regard.

Art, Simplicity, and Joys

This week was the release of Written & Whim. I am very excited and grateful to have it done and out there. Still trying to wrap my brain around the fact I have published 23 full-length poetry books since September 13, 2011 aka the day The Heart of Autumn was published.

There are only 8 more books until I complete the A to Z theme. That is a bit baffling too. When I started on the A to Z journey in 2011, I thought it would be crazy to write 2600 poems over 26 books. I have less than 750 poems left to write now. Overall, I have written 2615 poems since 1994-ish. The bulk of which were written since I started publishing my work. Publishing my work has been a powerful motivator to write more which is fantastic.

No rest of the artistic. Already a quarter of the way through on writing the next book, Doll & Discarnate. At the beginning of 2019, I had this grand plan to write and publish 4 books during the year. I didn’t count on, foolishly, life things and other creative pursuits slowing that progress. Despite the error in judgement, I forge ahead with the words.

For several years now, I’ve been work on and toward a more simplistic life so I can spend more time with my passions and joys aka creative pursuits. I neglected my passions and joys quite a bit for many years prior which brought much sorrow into my life so simplicity is very appealing. Never want to feel that destructive, bone-deep sorrow again.

I keep coming to points where it seems I have finally reached a nice level of simplicity to only see it falter later. No. In fact, I have more to work to do. The chaos that ensues has been getting less and less chaotic over time. Yay for progress! But the fact that chaos creeps up and in so quickly tells me I have more work to do.

I’ve been neglecting such work this year. I think this has been to the detriment of my creative process and myself. Have to take time in the coming weeks to really clear out things weighing down my environment and triggering chaos. Cleaning up my apartment on a weekly basis, even though it is a deep clean, just isn’t enough to stop the creeping.

A few months ago, I sat down and wrote down everything that brings me joy no matter how small. The list surprised me. Poetry, painting, and creative things made the list of course. (Simplicity and no clutter also made the list which was surprising yet not surprising.) Some of my joys are not things I can do every day as they are seasonal activities. However, a lot of my joys were little things – like having my fingernails painted black, and the scent of sandalwood – that I could incorporate into my day every day but I wasn’t for some reason. As if I didn’t realize the joy they bring, as if I hadn’t forgotten what joy could be within the little things. Since I’ve done this list and started incorporating the little joys more and more into my daily life, I find myself much calmer and happier. As someone who has suffered from severe depression and wild mood swings for YEARS, it is kind of weird to be calmer and happier but it is growing on me.

I typed up all my joys into a word file on my computer. I go back and look at it to remind myself from time to time, especially if I am feeling sad or lonely or upset, then go and do one of things on the list.

So I leave you with this…

What are your joys? Do you involve as many as you can into your day?