Poetry Wednesday – Mourning

Mourning

Once upon a mourning
I traversed nightmares to
Stumble upon all that is known
Torn between life and death
But I could not keep myself
From falling into the arms
Cold and lonely of death
To keep myself warmer
Than life had ever given
Yet I am left to wonder
Wander if life has never
Been as I perceived
Always death the precipice
Once upon a mourning
Ever since I breathed
Existence into the darkness
Swirl where nightmares be
Where my heart does swell
From falling into the arms
Cold and lonely of death

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Poetry Wednesday – Midnight Violin

Midnight Violin

Must protect this dying breed
Living amongst the strings of
My midnight violin
Strings do break against the bow
As I drive it ferociously over
Aggression giving way to beautiful
Music delicate in its rage for all
To hear and witness
Cause collapse of the heart
For which I know I shall pay
When Anubis comes to guide
My soul erstwhile to Shadowlands
Must protect this dying breed
Living amongst the strings of
My midnight violin
Making my heavy heart worth
The burden of living

2018

It is 2018. Not entirely sure where much of 2017 went but I am very glad it is over because what I do know is that it SUCKED for the most part. The bright spots of 2017 were finishing and publishing Hallow & Hearth and Glyph & Grey, reigniting my passion for Metal music with some new-to-me kickass bands, reconnecting with the violin, going to my first Metal concert, and finding a new meditative craft. I am optimistic for a great 2018. I do not have resolutions but I do have a few goals I would like to accomplish during the year.

1. See a Carach Angren headlining show.
2. See an Avatar headlining show. I have tickets for one on Jan. 31st!
3. Meet Seregor of Carach Angren (He was sick last time so I didn’t get the chance).
4. Get a picture with and talk to Carach Angren.
4. Meet some (at least) or all of Avatar. Pictures!
5. Take better care of myself. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it and keep doing it rather than throwing the towel in frustrated after a couple weeks.
6. Do better about writing every day.
7. Do better about practicing the violin every day.
8. Be more open to changing up routines, trying new experiences, and such because I am in a very unhealthy rut and have been for awhile now. The concert in November 2017 was the first time I had done something way outside of the rut. I was terrified/anxious/neurotic prior to but I had a lot of fun. Meet some cool people while waiting for the doors to open too.

As for other experiences, I have a wishlist of concerts I am hoping to attend in first few months of 2018. Don’t have tickets for them yet but optimistic in the potential of going. They are Starset, Myrkur, Septicflesh/Dark Funeral/Thy Antichrist, Cradle of Filth/Jinjer/Uncured, and Insomnium. There’s several other bands I would like to see this year too but they haven’t posted any tour/show stuff yet.

Not sure what else I will do for new experiences or changing up my routines yet. Will have to figure it out as I go along. I just knew after seeing Uncured, Lost Society, and Carach Angren, that concerts were something I need to partake of more.

Release Day for Glyph & Grey

It is the last day of 2017 AND the Release Day for Glyph & Grey.

The writing of Glyph & Grey started out slowly as I was also struggling with Hallow & Hearth. Once Hallow & Hearth‘s madness was done, I made reasonably quick work of the content of Glyph & Grey. Not as quick as I would have liked yet quick enough where I didn’t feel inclined to rip apart all of its pages in a flurry of giving up. Something I considered doing to Hallow & Hearth numerous times.

This book does contain the novelty of a dedication – something I have only done with very few of my books.

As with most of my poetry, Glyph & Grey is a bit all over the place with its intentions. In a weird way though, it got very personal. All poetry is personal to a degree, but many in this book are personal enough to make me nervous about putting them out there. I would have thought publishing a bunch of poems about my struggles with PTSD would be more inducing of the nerves. It was not. Are matters of mind are not as personal as matters of heart?

glyphfrontcover

The beauty within moments of sadness. The belonging within times of loneliness. The passion within instances of rejection. The contradictions within hours of existence. Where all their inherent colors mix and bleed into grey, intent on being carved out into glyphs.

Glyph & Grey is available as a paperback for $9.99 through Amazon and for $2.99 via Kindle.

Tuesday Tabellion – Reflections at the end of 2017

As I complete Glyph & Grey and 2017 comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the past few years.

The first poetry book I ever published was The Heart of Autumn on September 13, 2011. The first poetry book of 100 poems I published was Smoke & Spirit on October 9, 2012. I started writing Smoke & Spirit in August 2011 along with Flare & Fetter. Since their publishing, I have published 13 other 100 poem books of new work, 4 other smaller books of poems I wrote prior to 2011, 5 collected works, and 16 chapbooks.

From August 2011 through today (and the completion of Glyph & Grey), I have written 1515 poems toward stand alone poetry books which roughly averages out to 288 poems a year. I have also written another 300 or so poems in attempts at novels in verse and other poetic styles. One of these days, those poems might come out to play but for now, they sit and wait for me to decide what their fates will be.

While all the poems are personal to me in one way or another, Flare & Fetter remains one of the most personal books as it was written while I was “forced” to confront significant issues with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This condition and other issues do play out in other books and their poems but not in the same way.

The most challenging book to write was Hallow & Hearth. I wanted to give myself a writing challenge, and it delivered fully. I never expected letter H would give me such problems because it only applied to the titles. For a long time though, it and some personal crap stifled my creativity and I did not write. When I did write, H was very easy to deal with in short bursts of awesomeness.

The quickest book to write was Passion & Prudence. I wrote its 100 poems in 30 days as a creative endurance challenge. I continue to be amazed that I did so well. The poems turned out fantastically. My brain did feel like ooze for awhile after I was done but it was worth it.

My absolutely favorite book continues to be Russian Hymns, a collected work of poems from several books. These poems were inked to and/or involve a fictional character I had often dreamed about nicknamed The Undertaker aka Zephyr. I still dream of him from time to time but nowhere to the extent I use to. I have no idea why he is such a vivid creation in my dreams. Supposedly, the faces we see in our dreams are faces we have seen before. The Undertaker’s entire physical form is very precise in my dreams but I have absolutely no recollection of ever seeing such a face or encountering such a person.

 

NaNoWriMo 2017 Ends

This NaNoWriMo was different than ones in the past. Rather unproductive despite reaching beyond the word count requirement. The words just didn’t go where I wanted them to. A lot of random bits of line that will never be more than that. Never will have a chance to be poems. Their threads were too short and, now, are lost to the winds of time.

NaNoWriMo 2017 was forced to compete with pre-concert jitters and excitement then post-concert depression (and immense pain courtesy of extremely drunk Children of Bodom fans kicking the back of my legs, constantly pushing me into the rail, etc.) which made for interesting writing times.

I greatly enjoyed seeing Carach Angren for my first metal concert experience. They were phenomenal. Uncured and Lost Society were also quite good considering I had very little familiarity with their work prior to the concert. I have been missing those beautiful spooky Dutch men something fierce though. The entire month’s wardrobe featured a Carach Angren band tee each day. I started the month with two tees and acquired two more at the concert so this has meant frequent laundry but totally worth it.

Onto the writing stats…

Total Word Count: 53432

This translates into 51 poems – 47 for Glyph & Grey, 3 for Mourning & Melancholia, and 1 for Altars & Avatars – and 8 pages’ worth of the “epic poem” that’s been slowly swirling around in my brain. There is a lot of free writing I need to sort through to see if there is more poetry lurking within the lines.

Glyph & Grey is at 67/100, and should be done in the next 2-3 weeks as I’m determined for it to be. I had wanted it to be done by today but that is, clearly, unrealistic. Mourning & Melancholia stands at 8/100. Altars & Avatars is 2/100. I hope to have Mourning & Melancholia done by the end of February. NaPoWriMo in April should bring about the completion of Altars & Avatars and significant progress for the upcoming Written & Whim.

NaNoWriMo 2017 – Day 6

It is NaNoWriMo time again. The pure, unadulterated NaNoWriMo. It snuck up on me. Everything has been sneaking up on me lately. Where has 2017 gone? 2017 hasn’t been a good year for a lot of reasons so I’m not sad to see it go but, at the same time, how did I get to this point?

It is Day 6. Day 3 brought a cold to the party which has made things less fun. Still recovering but I ventured out twice to write today. First in the morning to get away from my cat who keeps hindering the writing process and the second in the evening for a write-in. First write-in of this year’s NaNoWriMo for me.

Been doing a lot of free writing in hopes of inspiration for poetry yet are pretty much just bolstering my word count. A few poems have been written toward Glyph & Grey and Mourning & Melancholia. I started an “epic” poem based on an idea that has been stewing in my brain for a while. Maybe it will continue to flesh its self out for a stand-alone project or what is written will just get put into Mourning & Melancholia. I just love the mystery my short writing attention span presents. Not so much but I find a way to make things work.

I have been listening to a lot of Metal while I write especially Avatar and Carach Angren. Okay, mostly Carach Angren.

I am going to see them in concert next week. Immensely, ridiculously excited. My first ever Metal concert, and my first concert in 16 years. I have been a Metalhead since my teens but never felt inclined to go to a concert until I encountered the music of Avatar and Carach Angren. I am going to see Avatar in January 2018 which I am also unbelievably excited about.

I may or may not have listened to Carach Angren’s Dance and Laugh Amongst the Rotten album a little too much lately. Somehow, some way, a Ouija board and maritime salts worked their way into a poem even though I was listening to Avatar’s ‘For the Swarm’, from the Feathers & Flesh album, at the time.

I have discovered it is challenging to write when I am busy fangirling over tour photos and such. Both bands are on tour right now so there are a lot of photos and concert video to enjoy. Mostly of Avatar since their current tour ends in two days. Carach Angren tour photos and video are just starting to pop up as their tour started on October 31st.

There is a possibility of encountering Carach Angren after their set, according to folks, which I am equally excited and terrified about. Crippling social anxiety means I sometimes say/do stupid things in public. Worried I will make a fool of myself yet I would love to say hi to them in person. Reportedly, they are really awesome guys to meet.

Wow. My fangirling knows no bounds right now. This started out as a post just about NaNoWriMo and my writing progress then turned into a post about my two favorite Metal bands. Accordingly, it is only appropriate to set the feature image of this post with one of my favorite Carach Angren promo photos.